he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
