whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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