May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
