quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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