I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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