i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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