Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
