Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
