she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
