I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
