whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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