I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
