So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
