i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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