Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
