Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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