I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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