I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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