I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Send help, water and tortillas.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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