My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
