So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
