You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
