Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize