apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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