I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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