Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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