I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
