I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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