i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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