Swine flu. Run for my life!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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