I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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