Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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