I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
