I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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