last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
