I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
