What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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