Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
