ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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