I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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