Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Every concussion has its silver lining
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
