Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
