Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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