Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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