areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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