I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
im having a threesome with these popsicles
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
