I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Everything about him screamed your future.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You know, be my cock's hype man.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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