Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
