i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
