You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
