brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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