you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Congratulations! We have a period
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
