If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
