You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
