I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
