Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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