How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dignity is for republicans.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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