you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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