Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
